I was cleaning up the computer today and ran across this monolog. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do . . .
Household Principles for Children
(From the Old Testament)
A Comedy Monolog
By Clinton Veach
(Borrowed and Enhanced from Pastor Michael Veach, with permission)
NOTE: This monolog increases in hilarity if the speaker is arrayed in a fine priestly type of garment similar to biblical priest robes, and reads from a scroll…and great if the speaker can deliver it deadpan, looking up at the audience occasionally with raised eyebrow as if searching for violators of the laws! Approximate running time is 12 minutes.
Hear ye now, oh ye children who have ears to hear, and listen attentively to the lamentations and laws whereby thou mightest receive wisdom and instruction. Harken, I say, and again I say harken ye in all the land.
Laws of Forbidden Places: Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight ye may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into patties, yea, into burgers thereof; ye may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, ye may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance ye may eat, and of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats ye may eat, but absolutely…NOT IN THE LIVING ROOM!
Of the juices and other beverages, yea, even of those in sippy-cups, ye may drink, but again I say unto thee…NOT IN THE LIVING ROOM, neither may thou carry such therein or hold them over the boundary in a defiant manner. Indeed, when thou reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there ye may not eat, neither may ye drink. But if thou art sick, and are lying down and are watching something on T.V., and if thou art being attended unto by mommy or me, then may ye eat in the living room!
Now harken ye to the Laws When at Table:
And if thou art seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as even a person of greater stature might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination unto me. Yes, even when thou hast an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke, yea of strong rebuke.
Drink thou your milk as it is given unto thee, and neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When ye have drunk and thus satisfied thy thirst, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it not to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
When ye chew your food, keep your mouth closed until ye have swallowed all that is contained therein, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, thou shalt not do so, even if your brother or your sister hath done the same unto you.
Eat thy food only; thou shalt not eat that which is not food; not of any plastics or of metals or of wood; and swallow not any food that pertains to any animal. I say unto thee, neither of the cat’s food, or of the dog, and yea, even the hamster and the canary food, even to the seeds, though they look tasty, consume them not. Neither seize the table between your teeth, nor lift the covering of the table linen to wipe your lips, for that is not its purpose. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot doth surely resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that; and that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are like unto small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, and that is why.
Sit thou just as I have told thee, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until only your nose showeth. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the gravy. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
Hear ye now and despise not the Laws Pertaining to Dessert:
For we judge between the plate that is clean and the plate that is unclean; saying first, if the plate is clean, then thou shalt have dessert, and have it most abundantly.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If thou hast eaten most of your meat and two bites of your peas, with each bite consisting of not less than five peas each, eaten where I can see, and thou hast also eaten of your potatoes enough to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then thou shalt have dessert, or a portion thereof.
But if thou eat a lesser number of peas, and yet thou hast eaten the potatoes, thou shalt not have dessert; no, not one bite; and if thou eatest the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, thou shalt have no dessert, verily, not even a small portion thereof; and even of the smell thou shalt not partake, that ye may know that I am the boss.
And if thou try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, even by skillful and remarkable means, that it may appear thou hast eaten what ye have not, thou wilt surely fall into much iniquity. And I will know the thing that thou hast done, and ye shall have no dessert.
Harken unto thy father’s Lament On Screaming:
Do not scream; for it doth seem as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods are touching each other, yea, two foods that you do not want touching each other; and thy voice rises up even to the ceiling while you point to the offending food with the finger of your right hand, this shall be a grievous noise in my ear and painful to be heard. I say to you once again, scream not, but call unto me gently that I may come to thee and therewith correct the fault.
Likewise if ye receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to thee and steeped in vileness, again I say unto thee, scream thou not. Though the vileness overwhelm thee, and cause you to faint unto death, make not that screeching sound from within thy throat, neither cover thy face, nor press thy fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, while it is yet smothered in seasoning, and do not die.
Hear me now Concerning Face and Hands:
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift thine eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon thee; even to the very back of thy head, there is rice thereupon as it clingeth unto you.
And in the breast pocket of thy garment, and upon the ties of your shoe, food and other fragments are distributed in a manner quite bothersome to see.
Only hold thyself still; hold still, I say, and squirm thou not. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. That which I shall do is as it must be; and thou shall not go hence until I have done it.
Attend thine ears to these Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances:
Bite not, lest your brother bite you back and both be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind, for it is not soup, though it mayest seem like that when you are in it. Rub not your feet on bread, even if it be yet in the package, and hit not thy brother or thy sister with it, though it be soft unto their head; nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building of the city thereof; nor eat sand.
And leave the cat alone, for what hast the cat done unto thy person, that thou should so afflict it with tape like you do? And hum not with a humming sound in your nose as I read a book, nor stand thou on purpose between the light and the book, thinking it funny thereof. Indeed, thou wilt drive me to madness. Nor forget thou what I said about the tape.
These things I pray thee my child, that thou shalt bind them forever unto thine heart, and forget them not. And if thou do forget them and persist in your way, I pray that thou shalt have children like as unto yourself, as I your father hath likewise suffered a similar fate before you. Now, I pray thee again, get thyself out into the yard and play thou nice.
Amen.
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